School days

Boy-howdy! So summer gave way to a far brisker (and rainier) autumn, and my Graduate Experience is well under way. How's it going? Well, very well, in fact. I earnestly enjoy my peers, teachers and classes. I feel welcomed; I am impressed with the talent around me. But I'm also still vaguely terrified: that I'm behind, that I don't quite know what's going on, etc...

Taking advantage of beautiful September mornings (with nary a snow flake in sight - I'm looking at you, Winter Term), I've been walking the half hour or so to school.

It goes with the territory, but it's not particularly helpful. I finish my days exhausted, and I realize this is partially from the tension of trying so damn hard. Working diligently is one thing; over-stressing is quite another. I've decided, therefore, that part of my work as a Very Studious Wonderfully Adult Artist In Training is also to depend on myself for praise as well as critique, and to jump off the assumption that I am perfectly impressive and talented enough, thank-you-very-much.

Meanwhile, I am certainly settling into a nice rhythm in Ann Arbor:

My newly-claimed library carrel. Yes, I am quite proud of my little bit of [borrowed] property.

Why, yes, that is Jessye Norman, peering pensively at music before her masterclass.

I'll be holding on to the last vestiges of summer with a lovely bunch of tomatoes that I've happily pickled.

Things brewing

Today was quite probably my last lesson in New York before I move to Ann Arbor for my first term at the University of Michigan's School of Music. I bought a one-way plane ticket for Detroit this afternoon - what an odd feeling to think that I am leaving my beloved east coast! But, as melancholy as I am to leave my haunts and loved ones (and anxious at the prospect of packing up my too-numerous books), I am tremendously excited to start my new, midwestern adventure.

The clouds, too, were brewing up something on the Upper West Side.

Much of my excitement stems from the work I've done this past year: I am proud of my progress, and of how I used my "gap year." I'm ready to meet new people and test out my independent efforts. The summer gave me a taste of this, and I have written a list of goals for myself that build on my experience in California. I want to make good use of those around me, and be open to be put to good use myself. It is a particular pleasure to realize that you are an important and supportive member of your group! Onward to new projects!

The prospect of school coming to an end

I have exactly one week left of classes, this year, and as an undergraduate. In less than one month, I shall have graduated (assuming no unforeseen logistical hiccups, but I am not). So where does this leave me? Starting soon, I am a free agent. For the first time in nearly two decades I shall not be a student. What freedom! What terror!

Mostly, this means a new, large responsibility. It means a great amount of organization, as well as personal accountability. Moreover, it means that I shall have to measure my worth, not by a series of marks and contests, but through inherent self-esteem. Ideally, I will have been doing this already... but I'm not always ideally able to do so. Of course, I won't be completely devoid of outside judgement - far from it, in fact. I will still continue lessons. And, as a hopeful musician, I am entering a life in which I will be judged regularly by outsiders: audition panels, teachers, etc... But I must nonetheless be able to judge my own progress and abilities. I must trust myself.

So this we add to the list of things I must watch closely in the coming year: Organization. Discipline. Self-accountability. Self-worth. I've studied intensively outside of school before - on summer breaks, I've managed quite a bit of learning these past few years. Let's see how I do for more than three months.

I'm actually quite confident, and excited, even. I envision detailed schedules and logs, studious autodidacticism. These are comforting thoughts to someone who, from the age of five, has always dreamt of going back to classes a month into summer vacation.